17 March 2007 |
Would you buy a previously owned
vehicle from this man?

Having a clientele composed in significant part of subliterate morons is certainly putting a strain on my new resolution to live out the rest of my days as Mr. Niceguy. Consider the case of Mr. Arif Malik, a London policeman who, when not keeping the streets safe, deals in what used to be known as used cars, but are known now as…previously owned ones. The great man advertised on a site to which I subscribe for someone to design a Website, and seemed to like the email I sent offering my services. We chatted briefly on the phone, and agreed that the Website should sell him, as a trustworthy sort, rather than any specific car he might have for sale at any given moment. It didn’t sound as though he was going to have a great deal of text, so I suggested a Flash presentation laying out the major reasons a prospective buyer would consult him with all her automotive needs. He sent me the following extremely literate memorandum, which I reproduce unedited.

Ok Advantages about buying from me are as follows.

1.The cars advertised at the forecourt ar not any superior quality than mine,because their at a forecourt dont make them magically better.

2.My mark up on cars is much less as I dont have that much overheads.

3.My Cars are HPI Cleared just as Forecourts are.

4.I only buy fleet service cars therefore the mileage and the service history is genuine and have log books with the cars.

5.I offer 6 months warrantys just the same as forecourts or even longer warrantys if you want.

6.You can drive the car away on date of purchase as all cars are roadworthy.

7.I do not offer you finance,insurance and therefore endorse ny products.

8.I have traders insurance and Trade plates and have been approved by the Department of Transport.

9.Prices on cars are negotiable and I do consider part exchange .

10.I also offer test drives and the car can be brought to you if you live local.

11.I also work during evenings and weekends so am available most of the time and in the evenings.

I worked up what I thought to be a pretty snazzy little page, on which the reasons appeared sequentially as the user clicked a little button at the bottom of the page, using a fanciful depiction of an ancient motorcar, which I thought evocatively humorous, rather than some boring generic modern one. He didn’t get it, as witness his next memorandum:

Hi John.

Thnaks for the web page couple ofthings.

1.The name shoud be changed to AM AUTOS and not Arif Malik

2.The picture is to old and needs to be more modern.

3.I should be able to advertise my stock on their and be able to upload my photos.

Nice of him to have told me in the first place that he wanted his business called AM Autos. I did as he asked, only to receive this several days later:

I have found another to complete my web hosting,thank you for yor help.

I sort of liked that "I have found another" bit, which seemed strangely poetic for a man of Arif's deficient literacy. But I didn’t remotely like his having apparently decided he’d walk out on our deal after I’d invested something like 10 hours in his grotty little project. I pointed out that I’d done just as he’d asked, and that he owed me the second half of our agreed fee (£240, and no snickering, please; competition is fierce on this godforsaken little island). He, predictably, believed otherwise:

I did advise you and you continued to do the same,what you have produced is not what I had expected  and asked for and not what I had paid for,it is of poor qualty and thats why I have changed.

I told him that he would hear from my solicitor, and that I wouldn’t hesitate to make public that he’s a lying lowlife from whom no reasonable person would even consider buying a used car, or anything else, for that matter.

It is quiet clear that this is a threat and is blackmail threatening me with legal action and then pursuing a course of conduct that would lead to defemation of my character.Go and speak to your lawyer and I wll also speak to mine.Goodday to you

Another day down in the trenches, folks. Another day nearer the grave.

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