5 February 2008 |
Snarkfest 2008

A couple of weeks ago, Isthmus, Madison’s free weekly alternative newspaper, published my survey of the local music scene, and a shitstorm ensued, as great armies of knuckleheads crawled out from under their rocks to accuse me of having “crapped” or “dumped” all over it. I hadn’t, I didn’t think. I’d seen a lot of crap, but also a lot of things I’d liked a lot, and hadn’t been bashful about praising in print. Madison’s proved to be a lot more defensive than I would have hoped, though, and took my not loving everything I’d seen as deeply offensive.

Well, this just in. It may be that much of the music (and theatre, and painting, and fingerpainting, for all I know) in Madison is mediocre, but exactly the same can be said of Los Angeles, New York, London, and Montevideo. That’s the nature of art; that’s why those who do it really well (and are lucky enough to have been noticed) are so well paid.
The Isthmus forwarded to me one letter that I found particularly galling, and I engaged its author, the spouse of a guitarist who plays in an inoffensive, utterly mediocre local meat-‘n’-potatoes-style rock band, in a digital shouting match by which I hoped you might be amused.

To the formerly famous Mr. Mendels(s)ohn (whom I'd formerly never heard of),

There's an old saying here in Madison: Those who can, do. Those who can't, write for the Isthmus. What instrument do you play, and when can we hear you play it? Just wondering ... [Name Withheld (by JNM)]

[My response] Hello, Name Withheld. I play keyboards, guitar, and drums, all pretty poorly (and like to imagine that I arrange and compose really well), and if you suggest that my not being a proficient guitarist, for instance, precludes my observing that Madison Jazz Orchestra is a bunch of obnoxious showoffs, I will draw myself up to my full 6-1 and say, "I believe you to be woefully mistaken, madam."

On 01/02/2008, Name Withheld wrote:

[Name Withheld] Hello, back at you. I realize that my letter was a little on the snide side, for which I apologize. I just think you may have sacrificed some substantive review of very hardworking local bands for what sounded snarky.

My true confession is that I am married to one of [husband’s band], and felt like you dismissed them out of hand as -- what was it, "Contemporary Classics" (or was it classically contemporary, I forget) which is essentially meaningless.

[JNM] Not meaningless at all, missus. I suggested that they sound very familiar and conventional, and they do.. And the fact that a band is hardworking doesn't make it notable. If I had a nickel for every hour of unrecognized creative work (music, acting, novels, screenplays, and so on) I've done in my lifetime, I'd be Bill Gates. The hardest thing in the world is to hear your own music or the music of someone you love with your ears rather than your heart. I heard [husband’s band] with my ears, and found them both reasonably pleasant and utterly unremarkable.

I’ve been thinking about your suggestion that if I couldn't play guitar really well, I had no business writing about guitarists. By this logic, we would have been denied the sublime film criticism of Pauline Kael, and goodbye, Greil Marcus, in rock. Is that really what you want? It sure isn't what I want.

On 02/02/2008, Name Withheld wrote:

[Name Withheld] By your own admission, you've been in Madison only a short time, and it rankles just a little bit to have somebody breezing into town and basically crapping on the local music, well-deserved or not.

[JNM] Extraordinary that you should perceive me as having "crapped" on the local scene. I start the piece by celebrating the fact that there's a wealth of good local music available, and then go on to praise a great many local musicians. And I've "crapped" on the local scene? How? By disliking the Madison Jazz Orchestra? By finding Pale Young Gentlemen precious? How defensive and parochial you are, Name Withheld.

[Name Withheld] Hardworking may not make a band notable, but hardworking is still hardworking. If you want to dump on a band, go after millionaire Michael Hecht with his private jet and his hobby band Primitive Culture.

[JNM] If Primitive Culture, which I haven't heard, made music that, for whatever reason, happened to tickle my own personal musical G-spot, should I condemn them because one of them is rich? Should I, conversely, celebrate the music of anyone really poor? What sort of nonsensical critical criterion is that, exactly? As for it being a hobby band, are only those bands who do it full time worthy of respect? My guess is that might exclude [husband’s band].

[Name Withheld] And another thing, I really didn't mean to suggest that if you can't play guitar well you have no business writing about guitarists. I do think your article was all over the place, hard to even figure out what the focus was, and maybe inclined toward peevishness at nearly everyone and everything.  It didn't even strike me as being about criticism. It was just about shitting on as many bands as you possibly could in one place.  (And I'll just say, that is so typical of Isthmus caliber writing. Snark over substance, extreme sensationalism, reporting on just one side of the story, getting all huffy about it, journalism just this side of the New York Post. I only read it for the entertainment schedule at this point, and should know better than to read any of the articles.) Maybe it's me: In my line of work I'm into trying to lift everyone up, not striking them down. Maybe that's why you're a music critic and I'm an elementary school teacher.

[JNM] Well, noble, noble you, Name Withheld, and evil, indefensible me. Let me use the same sort of sentimental bullshit argument on you you're so happy to use on me. If you don't like the Isthmus, and you're so good at discerning focus and its absence, and musical worth and its absence, and you're so wonderfully beneficient (as opposed to me, the wanton crapper on everything and everybody) why don't you, instead of whining, offer the Isthmus your services, and...uplifit it? And for one who started this exchange with an extraordinarily...snarky letter, isn't it hypocritical for you to find snark so objectionable?

[Name Withheld] and frankly, I'm not interested in engaging in this kind of stuff. I didn't care for your article, you didn't care for my response. Fair enough, and that can be the end of it. You don't need to respond.

[JNM] I'm perfectly willing to engage you at length. The record is clear on which of us is trying to get in the last word aind then run away.

So what did Name Withheld do as the exchange was becoming divertingly heated? Told on me. Contacted the Isthmus and told ‘em I was harassing her.

There isn’t much, beside the missus and my friends Rod and Anna and Black & Green chocolate ice cream, I like about the UK, but a word its inhabitants use at a time like this just feels so right:

Wanker.

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